We experience some sort of grief and loss during our lifetime. Especially now, people have had worries regarding COVID and vaccines. Most Americans have lost someone they knew or knew of someone affected by COVID. Some of the stories are scary for people. Some of the stories keep people living in isolation. Others demonstrate resiliency during these times. Typically, our behavior follows patterns, and how we understand grief and loss as a child often translates to similar ways, we understand loss as an adult. We all manage and cope with losses differently, and that is why asking for help now is essential to one’s overall wellness.
I use aspects of relationship theory to support and guide my understandings of many mental health complexities such as grief and loss. The relational exchange suggests dysfunction in interpersonal relationships and manifests in unrepaired relationships from the past. The first relationship is with our parents (s) and caregivers. The first relationships in life provide experiences that will lay the foundation for future relationships. If a child is born with the experience of unconditional love, feeling safe and engaged in trusting relationships, this supports a positive, healthy relational experience. Then one is likely to cope with grief and loss successfully. If a child is born with the experience of fearfulness, anxieties, inconsistency, and abuse, this supports potential struggles in future relationships. This pattern continues as one experiences other losses in their life. The early relationships in life are not all good and not all bad, but they lay a foundation of what needs to be worked through in life to move towards happiness and develop the capacity to cope with life.
There are typically seven stages of grief and loss. One is shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and feelings of numbness. Then there is pain and guilt. This is a state of self-blame and many questioning about life and meaning. Then there is anger and bargaining. This is a state of acting out, social isolation, and sometimes having conversations with God. A child can go towards or away from their spiritual or religious beliefs and practices. What was your relationship with spiritualism/religion as a child? Next is depression. A child feels that all the prior attempts haven’t resolved their pain and suffering. Depression in children is manifested in a few ways. They may express this form of sadness outward or turn inwards. Yes, a depressed state is part of the process for some, but it should not go on for years. Then a child will attempt to reconstruct a story in their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This supports the transition into the later stage of acceptance and hope. Grief and loss are not linear processes, meaning everyone will go through all the stages one step at a time. Some children will cycle through the stages, and some will get stuck in a particular stage. However, we will rarely go from being in shock and denial and moving directly into acceptance and hope.
In childhood, we tend to follow behavioral patterns, but some alternatives and adjustments should be made to develop new ways of grieving. Are there patterns you notice in your behavior? Are you asking for help or suffering alone?
I will end with this; you can make a change, and you can heal. If you choose to continue patterns in your behavior that move you towards suffering, then develop a plan that helps you cope. If you select a pattern in your behavior to move you towards wellness, then know you will need patience, self-compassion, and motivation. Regardless there is help and support available, so start asking for help and find a qualified counselor to work with on your journey.
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