Last week I wrote about “O” for observation. These included ideas associated with spiritual trauma. It was exciting for me to put these ideas out there. Also, on some level, to continue the conversation about trauma and how it is more than a car accident, sexual abuse, going to war, or having a near-death and terrifying experience. Spiritual trauma is an experience, and the mind-body-spirit is activated for long periods. This can move you towards illness or if you can choose to move towards wellness. If you are mental health professions, consider this in your assessments. If you experience a spiritual trauma, ask for support to help process these experiences with a trained professional. As we continue to move on, we will explore “C” for compassion. I have shared previously that compassion involves caring for yourself. I enjoy using journals, and I wanted to share another idea about compassion. It is about forgiveness. Forgiveness involves letting experiences go with others and forgiving yourself for choices, reactions, and triggers. Let me give some examples of these ideas. We have all shared experiences in the past, and we wanted things to turn out differently. You can consider a moment in the past when you made a choice. This choice resulted in other people reacting to you in some way. The experience could involve doing or saying something to yourself out of your character. You felt the experience was about the other person. They made you do something out of your personality. You reacted. Then instead of understanding the choice you made as a learning opportunity, you internalize the experience. The way this internalization process is internalized leads one toward depression. I wanted to think of an example that you may be able to relate to on some level. If you are a parent, recall when your child did something and acted up somehow. You are at the store, and he wants a toy or a candy. You tell him “No,” and he grabs the toy anyways. You say to him in various ways he will not get the toy. He gets agitated and starts yelling, screaming, and kicking his feet. You try to hold your ground. You believe there are two choices: to give him the toy to avoid your son’s disruptive behaviors. Two, you have a firm “no” and ignore the screaming, looks from others, and embarrassment that may be experienced in this situation. These small moments within your mind-body-spirit tell you, judges, you for either choice you make. For some, you may feel “bad” as a parent. You may feel “judged” as a parent. You are conflicted, and it isn’t easy to get out of this situation, especially with the irrational thoughts rushing into your mind. I saw this exact situation play out at Target one early morning. The mom was increasingly getting frustrated, and I noticed the nonverbal and verbal ways she communicated to her son. She chose to hold the firm “no” stance, at least initially. Her son began his reactive processes. As his intensity increased, there was this battle between the two. After some time of her son’s continued behavior, this mom decided to give him the toy, a small action figure. The crying stopped, and mom continued her shopping. During my observations, I noticed mom went into this panic. She was embarrassed and ashamed by feeling that moment with her son as uncomfortable she made a choice. Her choice made her feel that she was a bad parent. Her choice made her experience the struggles with parenting. Her choice made it appear as if she was focused on her son and not her internal dialogue. In a situation like this, your choices are not just A or B. The good part is that you get to make choices that involve your healing. It took me some time to figure this out when my children were younger. I, too, have been in the same situation. I used to make both choices. There were times when I had the firm “no” stance. Then there were times when I gave in because of the embarrassment and shame. What I learned in my healing in this process was compassion. Now things are different. I understand that my child may have a need expressed directly. I can choose to engage with my child on their level, thinking there is only an A or B option. Another perspective is acknowledging and appreciating what I am experiencing at this moment. If I am well-nourished, energized, sleeping well, and compassionate with myself these events are not about my child but provide information about me. It is not the choice I make. Do I go with A or B? It is usually my stuff at this moment. If I am moving towards wellness, I am patient, kind, and understand that every choice I make is made through love. It is still about me if I struggle, and I may react or feel triggered, putting me out of balance. This is all to say, if you take care of yourself, experiences like these will be appreciated differently. It becomes an indication to you that you may need to work on a consistent sleeping schedule. It is an indication that you may need more movement in your body. It indicates that your foods activate thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and reactions. It means there is a need for more grounding, meditation, laughter, and internal compassion. Let’s look again at the same scenario. You are at the store, and your child wants a toy. In the past, you made a choice, and that choice brings some negative feelings about yourself. I am suggesting that you work to change this experience by being compassionate. On day one, I give the child the toy, not because of his disruptive behaviors but because I am tired and see the anxiety building up for him. I don’t feel bad about myself; I feel good that I am learning to let things go. I feel good about myself for recognizing that I’m tired, sleepy, hungry, etc., and sometimes I make life a little easier in this moment. On day two, I don’t give the toy to my child, and his disruptive behaviors continue. Although the anxiety may build up, I think myself, I don’t let it consume me. I recognize it is there. I tell myself, “This is uncomfortable for me. How does it feel for me to be in this situation?” I sit in the uncomfortable and recognize it as my growth. I appreciate I am growing not because I said “no” to my son but because I am building my capacity to be uncomfortable. I am creating awareness of what is going on with me at this moment. I am building on the foundation that supports and comforts me in this process. It should be noted that the focus was not on my son, but it was on me. My son was not doing something to me in the store. I was doing something to myself at this moment. I was blaming him and not growing. I am suggesting keeping the focus on you. I am suggesting doing this from a place of compassion. As you develop your mental wellness plan, this is your way to learn and discover more stuff about you from a space of kindness. Over time as you practice keeping the focus on you, it gets easier. Remember it is a practice, and if you wait until your anxiety is already high, it is too difficult to keep the focus on you, and it results in a reaction to your son’s behaviors. It’s a practice. So, start now. When things are calm and you go through your daily life, focus on yourself.
Let’s consider the intensity of emotions that arise on the freeways. There is traffic when you are driving in the car, and you notice irritability growing inside of you. Ask yourself, “What’s going on with you?” Take notice of yourself, not the traffic, not the driver that cut you off but you. What feelings are being experienced? What sensations are activated within the body? Where is this coming from? Are you practicing the steps in your wellness plan, or are you stressed, causing you to move away from wellness? This is how the traffic stuff goes for me. “I’m sitting here in traffic; I will be late. What is going on? Is there an accident? Tonya, are you moving towards wellness or illness? Breathe, breathe, breathe, slow it down, stop, stop. Ok. Look around, Tonya. What is going on for you? What do you notice? Ah, I am working on patience. I need to slow down; there is no rush; I will get there when I am supposed to arrive. This is beyond my control, but it is an excellent opportunity to look within. So, I was feeling impatient. I was feeling worried. I was feeling stressed. Why? I don’t need to go anywhere, but when things don’t go as planned, I get this way. Why? I struggle with patience with myself. I am making stress arise now, and it is not needed. Why? I put pressure on myself to do more, to be more. Why? Breathe. My body is calmer; my mind is more focused on me. I am working on patience, and once I get it down, I will not feel impatient, worried, or stressed. Ok. I can control this because I control my thoughts, behavior, and feelings. There are moments when I will struggle with patience. This is one of those moments, but I got this because I keep the focus on me.” How does that sound to you? Is this a practice you can try and try and try? Traffic was an absolute chaotic experience if you knew me in my 20s and early 30s. I would zigzag in traffic. I had little regard for others and only focused on going as fast as possible. I cut people off, changed lanes with little notice, and always felt that driving was a race. Now, I am not a slow driver. That’s not what this is about. It is about keeping the focus on me. So, when I have moments, I slow down and work through moments. It is within these moments that there is growth. I sit in traffic now, and I will immediately put on something I have wanted to listen to, and there is no stress. There are even times I am hoping for traffic so I can finish an audiobook, podcast, lecture, or even an album. I moved from this craziness with traffic towards experiencing this as an opportunity to enjoy. I hope you can see how some of this stuff is done, and now you can start to work on this for yourself. Here is the assignment. As you go through life, start to ask yourself what is going on with me. Why am I reacting in this way? Is this purposeful at this moment, or is it causing stress? Before we can make changes, we must bring things to our awareness. Even when friends and family told me, it took me time to realize my traffic experiences. I am working on patience, and now I am patient. I control my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and therefore I look within. There are rare moments when I’m in traffic and feel agitation arising because I need to work on patience, but it still slips out. It’s my process, and I engage in this process with self-compassion. When these agitations do occur, I keep the focus on myself. There will be a day when I’m driving in traffic, and you look at me and see me smiling, laughing, and having a peaceful, delightful, and energetic time in my car. I know the same can happen to you if you do the work and reflect, “What’s going on with me at this moment? What feelings am I experiencing? What sensations are arising in my body? Where is this coming from? What does it feel like to sit in this uncomfortably without trying to change? Remember, you must understand something profoundly and decide what you want to do. You may wish to change this part of you. You may want to keep it as it may be helpful and have a purposeful meaning for you now.
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