Parent-Child (Teen) Conflict
Adolescence is a period of becoming self-sufficient and independent. It is a time in our lives, as an individual, we can explore our thoughts and beliefs, separate from those of our parents and family members. Adolescents are permitted to push their boundaries with limited social, economic, and legal consequences. Parents are often frustrated for two reasons. One, they have their own unresolved stuff. Two, they want their teenagers to make healthy and positive choices in life that will eventually lead to financial and emotional security. The goal for most parents is to produce young adults who are contributing members of our society.
I will share some information on the developmental stages of adolescents and the connection to attachment theory. In addition, I write about early infancy and childhood patterns that lay the foundation for later adolescent development. Lastly. I explore the challenges between parents and youth.
Developmental Stages: Impact from Infancy
Humans are considered primate animals and remain in the infancy period longer than other mammals. Although human infants by nature are immature and helpless shortly after birth, they experience rapid growth and development over the course of a few months. By the first year, their brain develops in size, and they can communicate their needs with non-verbal meaning (Kenny, D., 2013, pp.2-3). A critical stage in early infancy development is the ability to learn and experience various arousal states. The infant is then allowed to become attentive and receptive to social and physical stimuli (Sroufe, L., Egeland, B., Carlson, E., & Collins, W., 2005, pp. 87). Early development such as this lays the foundation for later in life, particularly in adolescence when tension and emotional regulation are high. If successfully accomplished in infancy, the teenager will have a strong sense of self that will assist with cognitive and social development.
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Self-regulation for an infant is largely the responsibility of the caregiver. Parents who provide a consistent and a variety of stimulation methods in response to the infant’s state, mood, and interest assist the child in developing the capacity for regulation (Sroufe, L., et al., 2005, pp.88). For example, caregivers who provide a variety of learning materials to the infant will increase the child’s capacity to feel stimulated. Young children should be provided opportunities to play with blocks, Legos, dolls, crafts, musical instruments, etc. In addition, there is a body of literature on attachment theory that reviews the various ways caregivers and infants connect to each other. There is a basic concept placed on the importance of the quality of care provided by the caregiver that leads to the infant’s ability to have a sense of security (Ainsworth, 1978).
Developmental Stages: Impact of childhood experiences
There are four ways a parent-child establishes attachment. First, securely attached parents who were consistent while being cooperative and sensitive to their infant’s needs in feeding and play situations (Egeland & Farber, 1984). For example, when the baby would cry because he/she could not reach for a toy, this made the infant notably anxious. The parent would comfort a child with a nurturing smile, good eye contact, and respond by engaging the child with the desired toy. The parents would also play with the toy and the child together. Second, avoidant unattached parents were nonresponsive to their infant’s needs. The baby made no effort to engage the caregiver and would ignore the caregiver by moving or turning away (Sroufe, L., et al., 2005, pp. 97). For example, the mother would pick the child up and make attempts to maintain eye contact or to play peek-a-boo. The infant would turn away and avoid eye contact with the caregiver. This is also observed when the caregiver arrives to pick up the child from daycare. The child will pay no attention to the parent and goes on with usual activities as if a parent is not present. Third, resistant attachment demonstrated challenges in the infant being calmed after periods of separation from the caregiver. A child, during the observation, was fuzzy, angered, and inconsolable (Sroufe., L., et al., 2005, pp. 97). For example, when a parent leaves the room the child starts to scream in a high-pitched voice, kicks his/her feet, and throws toys and other objects across the room. These caregivers often report challenges with babysitting or leaving the child in daycare for short periods of time. A fourth observation was noted to include children with disorganized/ disoriented attachment. This form of attachment resulted from caregivers who are often intrusive or insensitive parents. The infant often was a victim of early childhood maltreatment and abuse (Carlson, E. B., Armstrong, J., Loewenstein, R., & Roth, D., 1998). For example, a child who was physically abused by his/her parents such as suffering broken bones and fractures from birth to one year of age would be disconnected from others. The child showed no interest in activities or others and does not engage socially or in the environment. The child with this form of attachment is often present in a room with other adults and is not noticed for long periods. This level of attachment is of particular interest to me in the work that I do with children.
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Most of my professional care has been directed towards children who come from abused, neglected, and traumatized environments. In my job over the past twenty years, I have seen all levels of attachment from very young children to adults still struggling with their attachment issues. Teenagers raised in households where there is abuse and neglect concerns often become disorganized and disorientated from reality. In my observations, I see these young people struggle with having healthy and meaningful connections to others more than children who are not abused or neglected. I also see they are in search of a family who will love them, often ending up in other abusive, neglectful, and traumatizing situations. These four levels of attachment lay the foundation in how the adolescent will travel through various stages in their development.
Sexual Development
Initially, Sigmund Freud developed the psychosexual stages of development. Before and during the pre-adolescent years, everyone goes through the following stages: oral, anal, phallic, and latency. Freud believed that all humans are sexual and aggressive beings, and this was a standard part of our development. During the oral stage, which occurs between 0-1 years of age, the infant explores the world through a series of gratifying and pleasurable experiences through their mouths. For example, baby’s are observed putting all sorts of objects in their mouth as they began to explore their environment. During the anal stage, which occurs between 1-3 years of age, the toddler explores the world through a series of pleasurable sensations involving their anus. For example, toddlers are learning to potty train during this period, and this feeling can provide a sense of frustration and enjoyment. During the phallic stage, which occurs between 3-5 years old, the child explores their bodies through pleasures in their genital. For example, the toddler is learning to explore their genital more and can often be observed touching their genital in socially unacceptable places. It is fun as an adult to ask your parents, if you have access to them how you were in terms of your sexual experiences before the age of 5. Mom, I’m just curious what you remembers about potty training me? During the latency stage, which occurs between 6-11 years of age, the child learns to feel emotionally connected to others who can help them in meeting their needs. The child can regulate repressed impulses from earlier stages in their sexual development (Kenny, D., 2013). For example, the child learns who the adults are that provide them with a sense of security and safety. The adolescent depends on the success of these prior stages as he/she transitions to the next psychosexual stage of development.
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Adolescence is between the ages of 12-18 as noted by Freud in his psychosexual stages of development. During this period, the adolescent can establish a reproduction system, and this is the last phase of sexual development. For both young men and women, there is an increase in focused energy on the genital area. This stage is characterized by a rise in rebelliousness against their caregivers and an increase in peer relationships. Adolescents often engage in intense love relationships and can do meaningful work similar to a mature adult (Kenny, D., 2013). Young people are falling in love and when love is threatened it is experienced as the end of the world. There is a desire to be attractable to peers. To engage and connect with peers with a level of intensity as they transition through their sexual development.
Cognitive Development
Piaget argued that there are eight stages of cognitive development. Now without boring you with all the stages of cognitive development. In childhood the child is learning to think. To understand objects, the meaning of objects, to interpret their environment.
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In adolescents, self-identity occurs. This stage is a period in a young person’s life where they can explore aspects of who they are in relations to themselves and others. This self-centeredness youth experience is defined as “adolescent egocentrism” “It’s all about me”. Adolescents feel that no one can understand them. At times, they feel that their thoughts, feelings, and experiences are not universal but are unique to their experience leaving them isolated and alone at times. Adolescents are sensitive to criticism making them the most vulnerable to this period. Adolescents also engage in more at-risk behaviors such as unprotected sex, substance use, and participate in the thrill-seeking situations. There is a belief that they can achieve great success in their talents if these ideas are supported by securely attached and healthy adults. In addition, they may feel that their parent is inadequate or inferior to them. Many teens feel that they are the center of attention, and others are always talking and thinking about them (Kenny, D., 1993). It is mostly during this period where parents bring their teens in for counseling services due to the challenges although some of the complaints are related to normal cognitive, sexual, and emotional development. Teens are more independent and able to verbalize their sense of self causing the potential concerns for parents. Now that being said, if you have concerns as a healthy adult in a teens life, then you seek out professional help. Just because a teenager is engaged in normal developmental activities, they could still be under distress. Working with a professional can provide a holding environment for an adolescent so that the intensity and severity of concerns are supported.
Parents
Adolescents, they are typically brought into counseling because of their parent’s frustrations. Parents also seek out support because their loved one is hurting, and they have tried other means to alleviate their pain, but nothing seems to work. In relationship to adolescent development, focus should be on the importance of independence. They should be provided choices in in their life. For example, as a parent one suggestion may be: “I am a little worried about you and I think maybe you could try counseling, for a few weeks. You can consider talking to someone at school, or someone after school or on the weekends, or even someone online.” “I am worried, and it would make me feel better if you had a place where you can talk privately and safely to an adult who has more knowledge than I do in this area.” If a parent has minimal concerns and feels the teen is under stressors you can consider. “I notice you are under more stress these days, maybe you can try doing a sport, having some of your friends come over to visit, consider equestrian programs, etc”. These are suggested ways to communicate your concerns and allow our young people some choices in their life.
Since at times the therapeutic environment often mimics real life situations. It can be a safe place for a young person to explore feelings, ideas, and experiences with little judgment. It is a place where a healthy adult can hold their anxieties. Clinicians are not parents, so they are not bound by the same responsibilities. Clinicians are not peers, so they are not connected with teenagers in the same way. Clinicians can be a “holding space” of all their stuff, the stuff that is not shared with parents or peers.
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Another idea to consider is the parent’s unresolved issues from their adolescent period may start to arise. A parent may have regrets of things they should have do and this is reflected in their parenting choices and obsessions at times. Parents also address all the negative feedback and ridicule from other family members. Everyone tends to have an opinion but what’s wrong with a young person and what a mom/dad/caregiver should do differently. I often am told adults forget all the bad choices they made when they were young. They forgot what it was like to be young. There is no doubt in my mind that most parents want the best for the children, but there are external and factors that are at play. I leave this by saying a quote from my son in 2012, “If you want a relationship with me then talk to me about other things, not just my grades.”